Thursday, October 4, 2007

Punch in the Face

I swear. My mind is entirely distracted today. 30 solid minutes of work followed by 40 more solid-er minutes of drifting into the ceiling tiles does NOT make for a productive work day. Pfft. It just took me 4 minutes and 3.23 seconds to write those three sentences.

Sometimes I am right smack in the middle of concrete concentration, and something or someone comes flying out of nowhere to...

...example. Real time. Just a few seconds ago, the woman on the other side of my cube wall sneezed, and immediately said, "ooo. excuse me!". Why did she have to do that? It's been dead silent for over an hour. Is anyone even here? I can hear papers rustling, but that could be a desk fan or the wind. I can't understand why people excuse themselves after sneezing. It's not a burp, it's not a poot. It's a sneeze. Hairs inside of the nose have suddenly sent a signal to the brain that translates "bad things here. get rid. fast. hard.". Why apologize for that?

And then I always have, problem? Say I'm standing in front of someone with a notepad and pen. And that person is talking to me, explaining that I need to do this in order to make that happen, and blah blah blah the world is safe. During said person's speech, as I am listening and taking notes, I have this completely destructive thought process:

- What would happen if I stabbed this person in the neck with my pen?
- WTF, why would you even think that?
- Seriously though, could I make it out of here in time not to get caught?
- Would he die from the wound or from ink poisoning?

AMBER ALERT - AWFUL PERSON JUST OVERHEARD IN THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION: "So omigawd guess whaaaaat happened to my girlfriend? Sheeeee went to see the Rachel Ray Show, and she was standing in line waiting to get into the studio, when she noticed that the producers were going through the line and giving all the attractive women FREE TICKEEEEETS!!! Can you belieeeeeeeve that?! Welllll, wouldn't you know, when she got to the front of the line, they said there were no more seats!! How awful IS that?!"

NO! What's awful is that your girlfriend went to see the Rachel Ray Show. And she's also apparently not attractive at all. You have effectively forced me to form an extremely shallow and negative opinion of your friend.

- Stop. Look Normal. Pay attention.
- Crap. What has been saying for the past 5 minutes?

This happens to me often. It usually is just "what would happen if I punched this person in the face right now?", but as you can brain seems to be a bit more morbidly distracted than usual. Am I insane?

And yes, the above conversation was transcribed as it happened.